Those of you that follow me know I have had some serious ups and downs.
In reality, it was one major, multiple year “down,” and it has been a steady climb ever since.
So, to be more accurate, I have had my up and down, or my down and up.
Doesn’t exactly have the same ring to it, but it is more representative of the situation.
I
have been getting a lot of questions about my favorite Bible verses, or
the ones that helped pull me through the toughest times. They are
hoping the ones that helped me can help them too.
For
a more holistic view of the situation, I thought my answer would be
better suited if I covered all of the important Bible verses from my
experience.
If you would like to read all the juicy details, please read my book: Prison Diary(a) — A San Quentin Comedy, Kinda
The Beginning
I
was not raised a Christian. We went to church a few times. If I had to
call myself anything it would be Christian, but even that was a stretch.
I was a nothing. I always believed in God, but couldn’t get in to the
whole “church” thing.
Fast forward 25 years and my life is falling apart.
I am a cheater.
I am on the verge of destroying my family.
Losing an amazing wife.
Breaking up the family of my amazing little girl.
All by myself.
I was an idiot.
(More on that here: Secrets Will Ruin Your Life)
No
one knew my secrets. I wasn’t exactly broadcasting them. I knew I was a
piece of shit, so I just
tried to bury it, never really dealing with
it, allowing it to slowly unravel my heart, my mind, and my sanity.
I didn’t know what to do.
So I prayed.
And prayed.
To who? God? Allah? Santa Claus?
I didn’t care, to anyone who could help, or who would listen.
What happened? He answered. Loud and clear.
I admitted my affair.
And Shit got REAL after that.
I
had no idea why I was cheating. I wasn’t bored. I wasn’t unhappy. She
is smart and beautiful. A wonderful wife and mother. Basically, she was
so amazing, I knew it was me. I couldn’t pin it on her.
Even if I wanted
to I couldn’t blame her for my indiscretions. It was all me.
But I didn’t know what it was. What the fuck was wrong with me.
That was actually the first thing I said to my therapist.
Him — “Why are you here?”
Me — “I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.”
See? Just like I said.
Anyways.
Along
with therapy, I also started going to church. He got me out of my own
way, and cleaned my closet (mostly), maybe I should give this whole
“church” thing a shot.
I started attending every Sunday, the church had a new fireball for a Pastor, and I was locked in.
I was even baptized on Easter Sunday, 2011.
Then my world blew up. One month to the day of getting baptized.
I thought things were supposed to get better after finding God?
James 1:2–4
2
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials
of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith
produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you
may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
It
sounds weird, but when I was arrested, I knew what it was. I was being
cleansed. He was completely clearing out my closet so I could rebuild my
life with a solid foundation. My indiscretions had finally caught up to
me, and BOOM goes the dynamite.
I deserved it.
I messed up.
And
I rested on James 1 all the way through the trial, the media coverage,
the embarrassment, the humiliation, the job loss, the creditors (hard to
pay bills without a job), and ultimately prison.
I KNEW He was making me stronger. I KNEW I had to go through this.
I was completely broken on the inside, but I knew deep down, I would be stronger in the end.
To
be honest, I thought this would be the only scripture I would rest on
until I was in San Quentin,
looking for the lesson in my sentence, when I
read:
Deuteronomy 8:1–5
1
Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you
may live and increase and may enter and possess the land the Lord
promised on oath to your ancestors. 2 Remember how the Lord your God led
you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test
you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would
keep his commands. 3 He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then
feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known,
to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word
that comes from the mouth of the Lord. 4 Your clothes did not wear out
and your feet did not swell during these forty years. 5 Know then in
your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God
disciplines you.
I knew this was it.
I
was in the desert, but I could see the Promise Land, 9/21/14. I
actually had a little San Quentin calendar that I would mark each day
off, so the end date seemed like a lifetime, but at least I could see
it.
It was over for me. The trials and tribulations were over as soon as I walked out of prison.
He had been protecting me at San Quentin, with chaos all around me.
He was there with me.
I
was going to take everything I had learned, everything I had gone
through, and use it to thrive in my new life. Nothing would be as it
was, because I was not who I was.
F*** the old me.
I hate him.
More Insight
I
had been in therapy for almost two years at this point, so I knew what
my deal was. I had ADHD, and I was not channeling it. I was living with
no intentionality. My life was like a boat in the ocean, going wherever
the waves wanted.
I
had a good paying job, a wonderful wife, and a beautiful baby girl. My
checklist was complete.
Because I never looked at ways that it could all
go away, I never planned for it. Why would I jeopardize all this? That
would be crazy. But that is exactly what I did.
I
can’t find the Tony Robbins quote, or I would put it right here, but it
is something to the effect of, the thing you never think will take you
down is the one that actually will. Basically, you need to plan out your
own failures. Recognize where you could possibly lose, and plan for it
so it doesn’t happen.
I was a cheater.
That was where I could be taken down.
What did I do instead? Told myself excuses.
I am not looking for it. No one will find out, no one is getting hurt. It will never happen again (and again).
I was an idiot. That’s clear, right?
I had no intentionality in my life. I did not have a clear identity.
That all punched me in the face one day in San Quentin when I read:
Matthew 5:37
37 Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no. Anything more than this comes from the evil one.
That’s
how I would get pulled in to f***ed situations. I knew they were bad,
or could lead to something bad, but I didn’t slam the door.
When you leave a little crack, say no, but with a hint of yes, the door eventually flies open.
In my new life, when it’s a no, it will be a f***no.
When it is a yes, it will be a f*** yes.
That’s it. No in-between, no questions. F*** yes or f*** no.
I
have a clean identity, I am living with intention and purpose, so I
will no longer be tossed around by the waves, pushed with the wind.
I am a mother f***ing rock.
My New Life
The
scripture I focus on most now is called The Parable Of Gold Coins. It
is what I think about when I am tired, or scared of failure.
We all have gifts, and we can all either use them or deny them.
Everything we need is available to us, but we need to work.
Sitting around waiting for God to do something He has already equipped us to do is ridiculous. He works where we can’t.
Is He able to do it all? Absolutely.
But we gain more by doing it ourselves, with the gifts He has given us.
Read this next time you are praying for Him to move, and ask: what else can I do?
Stop waiting for miracles and pay attention to all the miracles He has surrounded you with.
You have things to do.
Stop talking about it and get to it.
Matthew 25:14–30
The Parable of the Bags of Gold
14
“Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his
servants and entrusted his wealth to them. 15 To one he gave five bags
of gold, to another two bags, and to another one bag, each according to
his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16 The man who had received
five bags of gold went at once and put his money to work and gained five
bags more. 17 So also, the one with two bags of gold gained two more.
18 But the man who had received one bag went off, dug a hole in the
ground and hid his master’s money.
19
“After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled
accounts with them. 20 The man who had received five bags of gold
brought the other five. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with five
bags of gold. See, I have gained five more.’
21
“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have
been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many
things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
22
“The man with two bags of gold also came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you
entrusted me with two bags of gold; see, I have gained two more.’
23
“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have
been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many
things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
24
“Then the man who had received one bag of gold came. ‘Master,’ he said,
‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and
gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25 So I was afraid and
went out and hid your gold in the ground. See, here is what belongs to
you.’
26 “His
master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest
where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? 27
Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so
that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.
28 “‘So take the bag of gold from him and give it to the one who has ten bags.
29
For whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance.
Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. 30
And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there
will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’
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