Mental Health

Everyone has something.

Whether it is big or small, it is all overwhelming to the person dealing with it.

Alcoholism, depression, ADHD, addiction, schizophrenia, etc.

They are all cognitive disorders that may show signs as we grow up, but we generally don’t get the full effect until we are old enough that we should have known better. At least that’s how it was for me.

Once you realize you have what you have, admit it, or give up, you need to deal with it. “Knowing is only half the battle” — G.I. Joe (no relation to me). What is knowledge without action? I’m not sure, but it’s not good, especially when you are dealing with something as serious as a cognitive disorder. None of them can be taken likely. If you are not actively doing something about it, you are taking it WAY too lightly.

Me

I have ADHD.

The hyper kid in class?

Yes, that was me.

I was the one in the corner all through elementary school because I could not stop talking to whomever was near me. Didn’t matter who, I was going to talk to you, whether you liked it or not. At least I was funny. You may be irritated with me, but I would keep you entertained.

Thank God I wasn’t born 10 years later, or I would have been on Ritalin, or some other shitty drug. 

One that allows you to behave in class but not exactly thrive.

I am not sure about the other disorders, but ADHD is awesome if you can reign it in. There are a ton of perks to having an over-active, hyper creative brain. As long as you are not using it for stupid stuff. 

Or not using it, which then leads to stupid stuff.

If I was born ten years later, I would have known I had ADHD much sooner, but I may have missed out on the benefits of controlling it naturally, through meditation, exercise, and healthy living.

You Can’t Fix What You Don’t Know

‘The more that I know, the more I control.”

Mental Health (song): iTunes, Google Play, Amazon

That line pretty much sums it up for me. Once I found out I had ADHD, two things happened.

1. So many things that I was frustrated with growing up, thinking they were me, and that I was just shitty at this or that, could be explained. Poor test taking? ADHD. Getting in trouble all the time? ADHD. Stressing out during an at-bat in a game, but crushing it when the pressure was off in practice? ADHD. Poor decision making? ADHD.

2. I learned that I didn’t have to be that person ever again. I knew what I had, I learned about it, I applied the knowledge, and audited myself until I was totally on point and could thrive.

I was in control for the first time in my life.

Sifting Through The Ashes

The worst part about recognizing a cognitive disorder too late is there is a mess to clean up. One that you created by not asking more questions sooner, or recognizing that there was even a problem in the first place.

It is pretty much all your fault.

I am not talking s***. It was all my fault too.

If you are on the other side of your issue (the good side I mean), I bet you are pretty astounded that you didn’t notice the issues earlier. Hindsight is 20–20. It is also very humbling.

This is where love comes in so handy.

Having people believe in you is so vital. I am talking about unconditional love. If you are in a position where people don’t believe in you, I am really sorry. I am not sure I would be here if it wasn’t for my wife and family. I had completely messed up and wanted to change so badly. I was on fire to put in the work and make a difference. I don’t really know what I got the second chance in the first place. Maybe she saw it in me, saw that fire, knew I would fix it. Or maybe she just gave me a second chance. Either way, I ran with it.

There are so many people out there that talk a good game and are full of s***. Actions speak much louder than words, especially in a situation like this. You either make the changes or you don’t. There is a best-practices for everything. You are either “best” practicing or you aren’t. It becomes very obvious very early on in the process. Knowing what I know now, I could talk to you and know within 5 minutes if you were ready to change or not. If you make any kind of an excuse, you are not ready, and I feel sorry for your loved ones. The ones that want you to get better. That need you to get better. The ones that see the goodness in you, and all the wonderful things you could be if you would give yourself the chance. Excuses rob you and your family of that. Not taking those actions rob you and your family of that.

Stop making excuses and “get action.”

You know you can do it.

You want to do it.

So do it.

Mental Health

Every day’s a holiday in my, every day’s a holiday in my head.

 Don’t know what I’m gonna get.

Don’t know if it’s worth the risk, but I, swear that I can see some change, in all the things and all the ways,

I swear I’m worth it.

I know I’m worth it.

Don’t you say I can’t change….

Every day is hit or miss.

One step shy of an apocalypse, but I never thought to run away.

That’s a lie, but I’m right here, so try, remember all the little things, that make up all our memories

And know their worth it.

It’s all worth it.

Don’t you say I can’t change……

’Cause i am a cannon ball, and I got my aim.

don’t you say I can’t change……

’cause I am an asshole, ’cause I agree.

But the more that I know,

the more I control.

And everything that you saw in me,

is more than a hope,

it’s bringing me home,

to where i want to be

One day you’ll understand, that you mean more than every single breath.

That I need you, like sun and air.

I just hope that you believe, that I’ve come a long way from the dark, that damn near ripped us both apart, and have the pieces, to bring us peace with

Don’t you say I can’t change……

’Cause i am a cannon ball, and I got my aim.

don’t you say I can’t change……

’cause I am an asshole, ’cause I agree.

But the more that I know,

the more I control.

And everything that you saw in me,

is more than a hope,

it’s bringing me home,

to where I want to be

And I want to be right here.

I belong to you belong to me.

Every place you go this fool will be.

Every day’s another day, to show you all that I can be, everything you’d ever want of me,

And I want to be right here.

Don’t you say I can’t change.

Don’t you say I can’t change.

Don’t you say I can’t change.

Don’t you say I can’t change.

’Cause i am a cannon ball, and I got my aim.

don’t you say I can’t change……

’cause I am an asshole, ’cause I agree.

But the more that I know,

the more I control.

And everything that you saw in me,

is more than a hope,

it’s bringing me home,

to where I want to be

Mental Health (song): iTunes, Google Play, Amazon

Joey

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Porn

this article contains graphic language

It is ironic that Pamela Anderson is launching a new campaign against porn.

She was my “gateway drug” to the media genre, even before the sex tape.

If it weren’t for her no one would have ever given a s*** about Paris Hilton, and Kim Kardashian would just be some chick in LA.

Thanks Pam!

Even though her fame trajectory took off the less and less clothes she wore, she might be the perfect spokesperson for this movement. She knows porn from the inside out (no pun intended, well, maybe a little).

My General Thoughts On Porn

I don’t even understand how porn exists. Honestly. I mean, I get why people watch it and look at it, hot women, naked, fulfilling fantasies, blah blah blah, etc. I just don’t understand how in the world you can talk a woman in to doing any of that stuff on camera in the first place.

Half the stuff they do in porn you can’t talk the woman in to doing in private, let alone for the entire “interwebs” to see.

I know the money is good (at least I hope), but holy s***. You are taking the most intimate thing you can do with another person (or two depending on the style of porn you are in to), and putting a camera right up in there, in the middle of all the action, and then putting it all over the web.

To me, that’s crazy!

It’s insane!

Just understanding the mindset of the girls the first time they do it would be fascinating.

Obviously after the first time, they keep doing it because that way they can tell themselves that it’s not that bad, so they don’t s*** on themselves for their poor choices in life. But that first time? You know that never goes away, right? Google is forever ladies.

I don’t get it.

Sucking d*** on camera?

Sucking two or three d***s at the same time on camera?

WTF are you thinking?

Even for the dudes.

What does your resume look like after being in porn? Craziness.

Even if you get paid, there is no honor in being a whore.

The same way there is no honor in being a drug dealer.

How you make your money is more important than how much money you make.

Use your brains and the gifts God gave you, not just the holes. (too graphic? Sorry).

The Serious Side Effects Of Porn

This may sound crazy.

You may be thinking,

“What’s wrong with looking at some titties every once in a while?”

“It’s safe, it’s better than cheating.”

“I still come home to my wife (or insert whatever your living situation is here)”

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

It is not safe, at all.

You think it’s just effecting you and your box of tissues, but it is actually re-wiring your brain.

Now there is good rewiring and bad rewiring.

How do you decipher between good and bad rewiring? Well, when the thing that is rewiring your brain is naked, or humping, or seems physically impossible while naked and or humping, on top of the fact that you don’t want people to know you are watching it, it’s bad rewiring.

Are we all on the same page?

Good.

Let’s get to the meat and potatoes.

Science Time

Porn releases dopamine, and endorphins in to your brain. Your brain then connects those happy, dopamine, chemicals to porn. Essentially creating a pathway in your brain called “porn makes you happy.” It also releases norepinephrine, which enhances your focus. Now you are telling your brain to pay attention, that what you are doing is important. Porn has now been engrained in your brain as an important, happy making device.

Let’s dig a little deeper.

When you ejaculate, oxytocin and serotonin are released. What you just watched and did made you feel calm, relaxed, and happy. You basically just did heroin by watching porn and jacking off.

Seriously, make this connection: Watching porn does similar things to your system that heroin does.

Well, it’s better than heroin, right?

Please stop trying to talk your way in to more porn!

It’s bad. It’s all bad. Drugs and porn. Porn and drugs.

Relationships

Instead of experiencing all of those wonderful chemical releases with your spouse or significant other, you are experiencing them with Big Titty Tina, or Little Anal Annie, or whatever person you are “viewing” that day.

This is also what happens with cheating. You are putting yourself in to a situation when you are releasing a rush of high potent, mood shifting, focus driving, chemicals in to your system with someone other than the person you should be releasing them with. That, combined with the chemicals released from doing “something bad”, creates a chemical hormone bomb. You are basically training yourself to be a piece of s***. Nice work.

Once these chemicals get locked in (neural pathways created) to a person, event or place other than your spouse or significant other, the pathways are set. You have just created a paved road to straight to Not Good Town in your brain. This is something VERY difficult to undo.

Your Brain On Drugs, Any Questions?

A more comfortable example of the way pathways can be created in the brain is with sugar. The way your brain connects energy and alertness with sugar, which means when you are tired you have cravings for s*** food, because your brain knows it gives you quick energy, you are connecting a physical and mental high with porn. When you want to feel better, when you want to relax, when you want to feel the dopamine levels spike, you turn to porn. You turn to millions and millions of pages, photos, and videos of porn, all right at your fingertips. Thousands of different women doing thousands of different things. When you get tired of one there is another one right around the corner to keep those dopamine levels high. It is quicksand, and you are walking right in to it.

Have you seen The Princess Bride? You are in The Fire Swamp, but Wesley is not there to jump in after you.

Just like drugs and alcohol, if you keep coming back to this “high” your brain will stop producing as much dopamine. Just like the heroin or cocaine addict, you start needing more to get the same high you did before. More porn, more intense porn, different types of porn, who knows? But it effects all aspects of your life. Because your dopamine receptors are not as active, regular, day-to-day things that used to make you happy or excited don’t anymore. Your dopamine receptors don’t distinguish between boobies and baseball. All they know is they don’t need to respond as much anymore. You are frying your happiness the way someone who took too much ecstasy does. Now you are like a heroin, cocaine and ecstasy addict. Happy Monday!

Addiction damages the brain!!

Do you believe me yet?

Look at Antony Weiner, talk about an addicted dude. Get help mother f***er!!

That’s what we can turn ourselves in to by not taking this as seriously as we do drugs. His “high” is sexting. Others are just porn, or just movies, or whatever. But it manifests itself in to your daily life. I bet Mr. Weiner (which ironically sounds like a great porn name) started out watching porn. Just jacking off in his room or whatever, then it got less stimulating, he was releasing less dopamine, it didn’t feel as good or exciting, so he stepped it up. Viola!! Sexting!

He is an addict.

But just like with drugs, he trained himself in to being an addict by walking down a road he never should have been on.

And boom goes the dynamite.

The Challenge

How many days can you go without watching porn?

I don’t mean you don’t look at the crazy stuff you used and switch it softcore, or lingerie models instead, I mean cold turkey.

Think you can do 30 days?

Try it.

No porn, no lingerie ads, no swimsuit editions, no jacking off, no nothing.

For the next 30 days, you are porn free.

Have sex with your spouse or significant other as much as you want.

But no porn.

Can you do it?

Of course you will say yes now, but how about tonight, or tomorrow? What about in a few days?

That’s when you know if you have an issue or not, when you can’t do it.

Seen the Seinfeld episode?

How long can you last?

Try to go 30 days, and take notice of the effects. I bet your relationship will be better. I bet your sleep will be better. I know your sex will be better. It will feel better. Not only mentally but physically. You de-sensitize your gear when you “tie one off.” Sex will feel better.

How could it feel any better?

By not jacking off!

30 days.

If you make the whole 30 days I would love to hear from you.

If you don’t make it at all I would love to hear from you.

Have Skype? Come on my podcast, lets talk about it. Let’s help other people (mostly men) get over 

this, help them make their lives better.

This issue is as serious as drugs.

It’s so serious, one of the drugs (Pamela Anderson) is turning on the other drugs.

Marijuana is telling on Coke (not a-cola), H, and X.

It’s time to take notice.

Joey

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Addiction

He is an alcoholic.

He is recovering, but he will always be an alcoholic.

He knows it, and that’s what will keep him alive.

“It” is always waiting in the shadows. “It” is always whispering to him.

Always.

He has almost died twice.

Alcohol is the only drug that can kill you when you are getting clean. It’s the only one you can’t stop without help.

The others will make you feel like you are going to die, but the liquor will actually kill you.

Inside Out

To best serve you, I had him walk me through his progression. You don’t just wake up one day physically addicted to vodka, it develops over time. The sickness slowly, but not so gently, grips you a little tighter as time goes on. Before you know it, you are completely consumed.

I wanted to know what he was thinking. I wanted to know what his friends and family were thinking. 

What were they saying? When did people step in? When did he recognize that there might be an issue? These are the things I wanted to know because I think they are the things that will be able to help you the most.

Are you an addict?

Is your loved one an addict?

Find your story on his spectrum, and take control of your situation before it is too late.

If his parents didn’t step in, he would be dead.

His words, not mine.

You are no longer able to help them at that point.

So don’t wait until then.

The Beginning

It all started where most of us start drinking, high school. He hung out with older guys on the football team, they partied on the weekends. It was fun. There were girls. There was beer. And so it started.

But he had boundaries.

He would buy a 12-pack, but he would pour most of them out in the bushes. It is the classic “carry a cup so it looks like you are drinking” strategy. He bought 12, but he was only drink 3–4. He stopped when he started feeling a little too buzzed. He couldn’t go home wasted, right?

As time progressed, as it always does, like a slow submersion in to a freezing lake, he got a little deeper, a little more comfortable, with every step.

By his senior year, he was consuming that 12-pack.

But he still had boundaries.

He was only drinking on the weekends.

Still had to go to school, still had to be home on school nights, still had to answer to his parents.

But they noticed that he was sleeping in until the afternoon on Saturdays and Sundays.

“What are you doing?” they would ask him.

But they knew. He was doing what all kids his age do, hanging out with friends.

He was surrounded by kids doing the same thing he was. There can’t be a problem if everyone is doing the same thing, right?

It was a party. He was having fun. In fact, he was having the most fun. He was the party animal of his high school. Literally. He won “Party Animal” in the 1997 yearbook. Not exactly the thing you want to be remembered for, especially the “praying to the porcelain gods” part, but it was working for him at the time.

Lesson for loved ones: Pay attention to your kids. When behaviors start to change, check in, look a little closer. It is never too early to have a serious conversation. Come from love. Never yell, or they will never hear you. Talk to them when they are sober, in the morning, and adjust to allow them to hear you. It can be stopped early, when it is easier, or it can progress in to a beast too large to contain. Act early. Even if they are “just being a kid.” This is not just any kid, this is your kid.

College

Not having an idea of what he wanted to major in, he stuck around, went to a JC in the area, continued to party, now with a slightly smaller, slightly younger group. Most of his friends were off at college, so his choice of “partners” were the ones that hung around, and the friends still in high school.

Still a large group, still receiving positive reinforcement for having the most fun, still only partying on the weekends, still having to answer to parents, and still had boundaries.

But it was time to go away to college.

Transferring from The Bay Area down to Santa Barbara, his boundaries slowly (or quickly) came crashing down.

No parents?

Similar group of partiers?

No parents?

Isla Vista? The most concentrated area of college kids in the world?

No parents?

No oversight?

I get to make my own decisions?

No parents?

Sounds perfect!

When he came home for Thanksgiving that first year he had gained 40 pounds (in 4 months), was bloated, fat, and already on the verge of failing all of his classes (because the professors were all f***ed).

That’s when a close and respected friend took him aside, and told him he was drinking too much.

You know what?

He heard it. He agreed with him. He reflected on what he had been doing, and his friend was right.

That epiphany lasted about as long as it takes you to drive from San Jose to Isla Vista, 4 hours.

Back to normal.

He makes the point that he doesn’t even have a fake ID at this point. He is 19, with no ID, and he is drinking every single day.

“Addicts find a way to take their poison. They are extremely resilient and ruthless when they need something.”

Lesson: Drinking has a look. It’s puffy. It’s swollen. You put on weight quickly. The “freshman 15” doesn’t have to happen, so set your kids up to stay out of their own way. Pay attention. How do they act when they come home? This sounds gross, but smell them in the morning. Alcohol stinks. If they are drinking and smell bad in the morning, they are drinking too much. Have a conversation. Talk to their friends’ parents. Reach out. Do not get caught up in “normalcy.” Remember this, when you find yourself on the side of the majority it is time to pause and reflect. People are stupid, at any age, and especially when they are young. Your child is not going to make wise decisions, that’s what being a kid is, but it is your job to help them avoid disastrous ones. It is never too early to have the conversation. Plant seeds, give them strategies. They may not acknowledge it to you, but it’s there. It’s planted. The harvest will only come if you plant the seeds and water the garden. Come from love, come from calm, always.

Hollywood

What better place to go from Isla Vista than Hollywood? Especially for an emerging (if not already fully developed) alcoholic.

** Something to reflect on at this point. He is only 23. He drinks most days. Meaning, when he doesn’t drink, those daily experiences are different. He is already at a point where he doesn’t know how to go out without drinking. Have lunch without a drink. Go to a baseball game without a drink. These are all things he will have to re-learn when he stops drinking. Think about that. Every time he does one of those activities, alcohol will be screaming at him, “you forgetting something? Me!” Don’t allow “normal” to dictate what you do with your loved ones (or yourself). Always remember, people are generally stupid. Look around. We are fat, lazy, complaining, assholes. You want to be “normal”? Pause and reflect. Pause and reflect.

This move is basically taking him from amateur alcoholic status to professional. He lives right off of Sunset Strip. He is in the belly of the beast. The boundaries are long gone by this point.

What are his parents doing, saying you ask?

They voiced their concerns. He basically wasted 4 years in Santa Barbara, how would Hollywood fair any better? They had serious doubts to say the least.

This is where it gets dicey. Most addicts are self-medicating. What are they self-medicating from? An over active brain. A HUGE percentage of addicts have ADHD. There are healthy ways to deal with it, and there are disastrous ways to deal with it. Obviously this article is the disastrous way. I hope you recognized that by this point. If not, you are not really paying attention.

People with ADHD tend to be more creative. Is there a better place to be creative than LA? Movies, music, technology, TV, it has it all. Maybe this is the place where he finds something he loves to do, and the drinking can finally take a back seat.

That would be any parent’s dream. Their kid, finding something they are passionate about and built for. It could work, so you support.

He went to school, was doing well. He started acting, and got jobs right away. He couldn’t be drinking too much, he was “successful.” This is what you would call a functional alcoholic. Looking back, he knows he was not exactly functioning, but he was doing something, which minimized the focus on his issues.

But there were glaring facts.

He was living in a s***hole. It was filthy. They never cleaned. They drank every day. They barely left the apartment, except to work and drink someplace else. He repeatedly had the “what are you doing with your life?” conversations with his parents. But he is 23, 24, 25 at this point. He’s an adult. What can they really do?

So he kept going.

And going.

No beer, no light stuff, just hard alcohol. Vodka. Jack Daniels. They bought weed from one neighbor, coke (not a-cola) from the other. Vons was next door. They had it all. Party with celebrities on Sunset at night, sleep all day. This was obviously working out very well.

Lesson: He went from college student, to college drop-out, to film school student. Living in a beautiful house, to living in one s***hole, then moving to another one, and an even worse one. When you start seeing priorities change, take notice. When ambition takes a back seat to stagnation, take notice. When they aren’t even taking care of the place they eat and sleep, take notice. There is a problem. Come from love. Stay calm. Ask questions. Have the conversation. Take steps. Discuss in the morning. Start acting.

Lifestyle

Drinking is what he did.

Good days.

Bad days.

Tragedies.

Parties.

Funerals.

It was in his blood, literally.

He was “functional,” which added to the mask. He had relationships. He started a band. He was earning a living. He got married. He had a dog.

How bad could the drinking really be?

They All Fall Down

Because of the drinking, relationships ended, the marriage ended, the music slowed, then stopped.

Bad day?

Time for a drink. That will make it better. How? Because if I drink enough I can’t be sad. I can’t be lonely. I can just be.

Let’s remember at this point that alcohol is a depressant. He is essentially medicating his depression with liquid depression, which will make him more depressed, more lost, more sad, and more destructive.

He had a seizure.

He split his head open at his parent’s house.

He stained the floor with his blood.

911.

He brushed it off.

He was in a car accident.

Not his fault, but when he went to the emergency room he hadn’t had his fix yet for the day. In fact, 

he was on his way when he got hit. The doctor saw the tremors. He looked in his eyes. He told him he needed help. He needed to stop. But he couldn’t stop without help. If he kept drinking he would die, if he stopped drinking he would die.

He chose the latter.

He passed out. He was not responding.

Luckily, he had a companion.

She called his dad.

He rushed over.

He was terrified.

“It was the only time I had seen my dad cry.”

They took him home.

The next day when he woke up there was a man in his parent’s house.

He was huge. He was nice. They talked.

He drank while they talked. He had to.

He admitted to the man he had a problem.

20 minutes later they were at LAX on a flight to Utah, to The Cirque Lodge, where he would be inundated with chemicals that would keep him alive as he detoxed for the next 5 days.

Today

It is still a struggle.

He has things in place every day to keep him on the wagon.

He has fallen off a few times.

But he has kids now.

He has seen what it can do to him, to his parents, he doesn’t want to see it hurt his children. He doesn’t want them to grow up without a dad.

So he works.

Affirmations.

The Steps.

AA meetings.

He does them all.

He has to.

He knows the dragon is waiting in the shadows.

He hears the whispers.

They want him to fail, to come back to them.

He knows he can’t fall down that hole again.

Because he may not get out the next time.

You

If you or a loved one is struggling with substance abuse, it is never too early to get help. It is a slippery slope, but there are signs. You need to admit what you are seeing is a problem, that it is not good, even if you think it is “normal.”

F*** normal. You are not normal. Your children are not normal. You are special, you are wonderful, you want them around forever, and you want them to be happy and healthy.

Substance abuse is not healthy, and it certainly is not happy.

“It is no way to live your life”

Alcoholics Anonymous

The Cirque Lodge

And if you need someone to talk to, the subject of this interview, Eric Maehl, would love to be that person.

Good luck.

Come from a place of calm.

Come from a place of love.

Bring them back.

Joey

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