Part of
the reason why I write is to force myself to lay out my philosophies on
life for my daughter.
Not to be morbid, but we are all going to die one
day. When that is, no one knows. The more I write, the more she will
have for later, (if we don’t get the chance to do it while I am still
here).
That’s it.
That’s my big secret.
This is all so she has everything in writing. All the advice I want to give her, but might never get the chance.
One Thing
There
are certain things I want to teach her, qualities I want her to have.
Things I know will allow her to be an awesome adult. Kill it at work, be
a great mother, a wonderful wife, and a good human being. Things like:
grit, hard work, humility, compassion, insight, reflection, etc. Like
any parent, I want my daughter to be amazing.
The
thing I want her to learn the most, the one that will allow her to open
up all of those other qualities is, I think, the hardest one to
accomplish: Not caring what other people think. I mean ZERO regard for
what other people think.
Why is this so hard?
Because it is a precarious balance between self-awareness, humility and ego.
She
has to be able to not care what people think because she is so
self-aware, so observant, so well-thought-out, so intentional, and so
sure of herself, that she know exactly what she is doing and why she is
doing it, even if it doesn’t necessarily make sense to other people.
Not worry about others’ perception at all.
But it has to come from a place of power not weakness.
Three Types Of Not Caring
1. The Egomaniac
2. The Pre-Emptive Defensive
3. The Rock
The
first two are extreme examples. I think most of us fall in to a
combination of the two, which usually manifests itself as ego. We shoot
ourselves in the foot by acting either too big or too small in a given
situation. We are either blindly over-confident or feeble in our
abilities, and that eventually bites us in the a**. We either don’t try
at all, don’t take the chance when we have the opportunity, don’t speak
up when we should, or get in to something we have no business being in
and getting b**** slapped. Not literally of course. Well, maybe
literally in some cases.
The
Egomaniac: You all know people like this. They think they are always
right (in a bad way), they can’t handle hearing no, they remove people
from their lives that disagree with them, they are narcissistic,
probably run through friends regularly, always mad at someone, generally
not fun to be around. It’s all about them, all the time.
Being
an egomaniac is not synonymous with failing, but how you win is just as
important as winning. If you win because you are a prick, and don’t
listen to anyone else, you may be successful, but I guarantee you will
not be as successful as you could be. These people, generally not
self-reflective, not great listeners, which means they are not good
collaborators, have a ceiling. They can only go so high because of their
ego.
The
Pre-Emptive Defensive: The best way I can describe this is the gothic
punk rocker in the movie Big Daddy. He walks around in all black,
sticking out like a sore thumb, confidence in his stride like he gets it
and no one else does, but as soon as Sandler’s character calls him on
it, “you’re mad at your father, you’re not mad at me,” his whole façade
crumbles in to a pile of tears.
There
are people that are confident and really don’t care what you think, and
there people that try to push you away at the beginning because they
care about what you think so much, they don’t want to have an honest
evaluation. This comes in the form of how you dress, like a “gutter”
punk for instance, or how you act. The person that always says something
inappropriate and then acts like they are too abrasive for the room is
doing the same thing as the person with the Mohawk and studded jacket.
Push you away so you can’t evaluate them honestly. They don’t want to
take the risk of putting themselves out there and being rejected.
Again,
a little more difficult to tell that the egomaniac, but if you keep an
eye on them you will understand if it comes from confidence or
insecurity. One thing that I look at with punk rockers, if you really
are an individual and don’t care what people think, why are you dressing
exactly like all the other “anti” establishment punk rockers? I want my
punks to look like Bad Religion and NOFX. They could be filling your
gas tank, building a computer, or teaching at UC Berkeley. You can’t
tell because they aren’t wearing a uniform. Or, they have confidence.
The
Rock: This is where we all should aspire to be. This is where I want my
daughter. This is all about knowing you strengths and weaknesses. You
work from your strengths and bring in people to offset your weaknesses.
You know exactly who you are. You have a strong moral character, you
understand the work involved in success and are willing to do it, you
pick a profession that actually fits you not one that sounds good or
looks good, and you put yourself in a place of learning and openness to
receive the goodness that is coming your way.
Bottom
line is you know who you are. This allows you to connect with things
that fit you and to pass on things that don’t. You aren’t swayed by the
wind or pushed by the ocean because you are a rock.
You are not going
anywhere.
You can listen, evaluate, push away, say no, adjust, learn, respect, and grind. That is a winning combination in any arena.
The Start
It all starts with confidence.
True confidence.
One that is earned through self-reflection, evaluation, discipline, hard work, love, and respect.
One
that is earned by taking people and yourself head on, asking the
difficult questions, making the difficult sacrifices, and coming out
better in the end.
Wouldn’t we all be better because of this?
Shouldn’t we want this for ourselves?
Shouldn’t we want this for our kids?
Then let’s learn it for us so we can give it to them.
It may be the greatest gift you can ever give them: confidence.
