Hindsight is 20–20.
I hate it, but it’s true.
I
wish foresight was 20–20 and hindsight was blind as a bat, but that is
not the way it works. We usually overthink the past and under-think the
future.
Hopefully
for all of you new parents or soon-to-be-parents, this can help you
avoid some issues you may not even be thinking about.
Crib, diapers, clothing, food, pumps, wipes, etc.
These are the things we focus on when we have a child.
Hopefully
you are also asking yourself “Am I going to be a good parent?” and
“What steps am I going to take to be a good parent?”
If not, now is the time to start.
The Goal Of Parenting
Your
child should walk out the door at 18 and be filled with: confidence,
self-awareness, grit, problem-solving skills and humility. If they
aren’t, it is your fault. Sorry, but it is. If your child is a bum, it
is your fault in some capacity. If you are a parent of an older child,
and they are a loser, it’s your fault. I’m sorry. Just speaking the
truth.
My youngest daughter is 7. If she is a loser, or a stripper, or whatever else I would never want her to be, it’s my fault.
My
oldest is almost 25. And although I wasn’t in her life until she was
16, if she is a loser, I am a failure (or I could be a dick and blame my
wife and her dad J, but they are both awesome, so I won’t….maybe).
Guiding Your Child
This is either a one step or a two-step approach.
1. One Step Approach:
You are not perfect. Some of you are more obviously-not-perfect than
others. Whatever your level of non-perfection is, your child has some of
that non-perfection as well. It is your job to give them the skills to
mitigate those imperfections so they don’t make their life more
difficult than it needs to be.
What
are you thinking right now? Kids are hardheaded? They are going to do
what they want? Well then my friend, you or your partner are/were the
same way and it is your job to work around that.
Being
a parent is being flexible. There is not a handbook to follow because
people are different, kids are all different, and they respond to
different things. But you are your child’s parent, they have your genes,
they have your partner’s genes, and you should know yourself well
enough to help them navigate potential pitfalls and issues. If not….
2. The Two Step Approach: You will need to do this before you do the one step approach. This is fairly simple: Figure Your BS Out!
That’s it! Easy peasy lemon squeezy!! Yay!!
Just kidding, this is not easy at all. It is simple, but not easy. Ah, such is life.
What is wrong with you?
What do you suck at?
Are you a bad listener?
Are you lazy?
Are you unhealthy?
Are you fat?
Do you drink too much?
Drugs?
Cheat?
Are you a liar?
What’s your problem(s)?
See
what I mean? This part sucks, but it is vital to your child being
everything you want them to be. The good news is, if you want your kid
to be a piece of shit, then you are probably a piece of shit, and you
can just keep doing what you are doing. Nice work.
Kids
see and hear everything. They take it all in. You can’t hide things
from kids. They can feel it and sense it. They are more in tune with
themselves than we are as adults because they just feel, they don’t over
or under analyze. They see you drink. They see you lie. They see you be
mean to their mother. They see you get angry, get sad, they see it all.
How Do You Fix Yourself?
I
would suggest that you go see a therapist. Honestly speaking, if you
haven’t figured your shit out yet, why would you be able to “flip the
switch” and figure it out by yourself now?
A
therapist will help you honestly navigate through your emotions and
your actions to help you be a better you, a better partner, and a better
parent. I suggest you find a therapist that specializes in behavioral
modification or cognitive behavioral therapy. If you are in the Bay Area
and want a suggestion please message me and I will give you the name of
an amazing therapist. I mean UH-MAZING.
I
went to a different therapist for a few months before switching to the
amazing one. He was focused on my past and why/how that led to behaviors
in the present. It was a bunch of hooey. It’s like he was looking for
something to pin my stupidity on rather than just me being stupid. He
was making mountains out of molehills. Totally worthless. I got more out
of one session with the good one than 2 months of sessions with the bad
one. Unless they are helping you change, get out of there. CBT is the
way to go. Not the Betty Draper crap.
Once
you figure out your garbage you can help your child navigate through
their garbage. Now you are parenting. You can help them avoid the
pitfalls that you fell in to.
It’s that what it is all about?
Reading Suggestions
These
three books are f’ing awesome. I recommend them to everyone, but
especially new parents.
The mindset that these books will put you in as a
teacher, and that’s what you are as a parent, a
teacher, is phenomenal.
Some stuff will seem obvious, but if you can reflect on your
upbringing, and how you are raising your child, these books are
priceless.
And
if you want to read what it’s like to totally mess up, but then get
passed it, you can always read my book! Prison Diary(a) — A San Quentin Comedy, Kinda.
Thoughts
You
only have one life. You only have one chance to give your child
everything. Don’t take it for granted. It is never too late to start
being a good parent, changing the narrative on your past, but it is much
easier to never make the mistake in the first place. I hope you have
the foresight to recognize that and take the steps necessary to give
something amazing a chance to be spectacular.
“A smart man learns from his mistakes, but a wise man learns from others’ mistakes.”
iTunes or Soundcloud
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