I don’t watch the news.
I don’t troll online.
I am busy working.
But
when I was distributing my vlog/blog/podcast episode “The LochNess
Monster?” I was able to
see how f***ing ridiculous some of the media and
trolls are.
“He should be extradited and sent to Brazilian prison?”
For peeing on the floor and over-exaggerating/lying?
Seriously?
Is it hard to have perspective with your head that far up you’re a**?
With that rational every news reporter should be put in prison. They lie and over-exaggerate every single night.
Every
politician should be put in prison for over-exaggerating and lying.
Trump and Hillary would both be put away. One for emails, the other for,
well, everything he says.
We should all be “sent away” if we are using lying as a standard for prison time.
We are all full of s***.
In
fact, it is usually the loudest ones about other people being full of
s*** that are the most full of s***. Look around. Who is making the most
noise? Al Roker, what you hiding weather man? And Fox News (shocking).
I
feel like Alan Iverson: “We’re talking about lying and peeing? Lying
and peeing? Lying? Peeing?” (the “practice” press conference in case you
have no idea what I am talking about.)
Ryan Lochte needs someone who can turn this all around. I savvy media consultant and marketing maverick.
I will offer my services. He can thank me later.
My Ryan Lochte PR Plan
We
are not talking about anything major here. If we all took a step back,
practiced a little self-awareness, I think we would calm down. Are you
really mad? Or are you mad because the media told you to be mad, be
appalled, and be disgusted? That’s their job. They are full of s***.
Which is ironic that they are going so hard after Lochte for being full
of s***, but that’s what they do.
Instead
of continuing to say sorry, let’s make a joke out of it. Look at it for
what it is, peeing and lying, and use that to your advantage. Roll with
the punches.
What am I saying? Pee on stuff and blatantly lie. You know, jokes.
#1 The Late Night Tour
The
Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon (@jimmyfallon), The Late Show With
Steven Colbert (@StephenAtHome), Conan (@ConanOBrien), The Late Late
Show (@JKCorden). Hit them all. Pretend to pee on things in the studio.
Get caught, lie about what you were doing.
“I was just looking at the plant.”
“I don’t even need to pee.”
“I don’t pee, I have a urinary disorder.”
Run
with it. Say anything you want. Try to distract the accusers, “Look, an
elephant!” Say you have to go home right away. Dribble piss on the way
out, leave a trail. Funny stuff.
#2 New Sponsors
The
most obvious new sponsors would be companies that specialize in
toiletries: urinal cakes, toilet paper, and pee pads for pets (to avoid
accidents on the floor in your house, gas station, etc.). You get the
idea.
Expand on that and become a spokesperson for Depends (@Depend):
“If
I had them on that night, this all could have been avoided. I would
have just pee’d in my pants, and the super absorbency of my Depends
undergarments would have allowed me to feel dry and relieved, what every
American wants.” *big smile at the end
Alcohol.
My first choice would be Jagermeister (@JagermeisterUSA). Have you ever
seen Dave Attell’s (@attell) standup? He has the “Jaeger” bit where he
tells crazy stories and ends each one with, “Jager.”
This story is perfect:
“I
pissed on the floor, got a gun pulled on me, paid a Brazilian $400, had
to flee the country, lost hundreds of thousands of dollars……..Jager.”
How about a residency in a Vegas hotel?
“If he had been in Las Vegas (@Vegas), it would have stayed here.”
He could shack up at Caesar’s Palace (@CaesarsPalace) for a week. They could dye the fountains
yellow. It would be awesome.
We are having fun here people.
Piss and lies. Let’s keep that in mind.
#3 Fundraising
We can create a humanitarian effort.
Ryan
Lochte, for $1000 dollars will come to your house and pee anywhere you
want. You can pee together, he can pee in your disgusting bathroom, your
garage, your kitchen, you pick! 100% of the proceeds will go to his
non-profit: Tinkletorium (swipped that name from my 7th/8th grade
girlfriend, hi Amanda!) — Building Bathrooms Worldwide, Because Everyone
Deserves Plumbing.
He will be saving lives by getting all the pee and poo out of the water supply in 3rd world countries. He would raise millions!
To
get publicity for the non-profit, he would do a world tour “peeing” on
the wonders of the world: Stonehenge, The Great Wall Of China, The
Eiffel Tower, Machu Pichu, Taj Mahal (the place, not the guitarist), and
the Pyramids. We call it “Lochte Pees: World Tour.” He could go on
Oprah. It would be magical.
It’s A Joke
There
is a lot more good that can come of this for Lochte than bad. It
doesn’t look good now, but the sooner he turns it around and spins the
narrative in his favor the better. I am willing to offer my services for
$200,000.
Lochte, if you are reading, I’m here.
Hit me up on Twitter (@JustOneJoey1) or Snapchat (@JustOneJoey).
The “New You” is just a phone call away.
I can make it happen.
Your future awaits you!
What’s it going to be?
